The only way to get into a man’s heart is to let him into yours. A man can lust after a hot body, a sassy attitude and a li’l red lipstick, but the only way to truly attract a man and HOLD his interest is to give him a reason to deeply care for you. If you really want to know how to attract a man, using your vulnerability is the way to go.
What Do I Mean By Your Vulnerability?
I don’t just mean be a sappy, willowy woman who tears up at the sight of baby deer (I do this, but that’s beside the point). By vulnerability, I mean exposing your feelings about ANYTHING, good or bad. That means sadness AND anger… and excitement, anxiety, nervousness, etc.
By vulnerability I mean sharing your TRUE feelings about any and everything. Now, I don’t mean your opinions, which are fine to share, but your opinions won’t make him feel more in love with you. They may make him respect you, admire you, think you are great, cool, fun, smart, witty, etc. But your feelings will make him feel HIS feelings for you. Shared opinions makes for great friends but shared feelings create love.
I want you to share your feelings about the little things as much as about the big things: a certain restaurant, the weather, your favorite movie. Instead of sharing your opinions about these things from a cerebral place; “That movie was excellently directed”, share your feelings from your heart; “The way that movie was directed made me feel so sympathetic for the main character. My heart bleed for her.” And allow your emotions to match your words. Allow yourself to get into your feelings and to share them without walls or pretense. Don’t push out fake feelings, just trust in him enough to share authentic emotion.
You will immediately become a more passionate person in his eyes. You will steam with life and allure. He will think you are more sensual, sexier, sultry… A woman who is in touch with her emotions (not drama, just passion about life) stirs up a man’s own emotions, much like a yawn makes another person yawn. Men with strong masculine energy are thinkers and doers, and feminine energy helps to balance this and keep men in the moment. When a woman has strong feminine energy, she has the power to be a man’s vacation from thought. After all, love isn’t about reason/logic/ration… it’s best served with a garnish of passion-zest!
How Do I Expose My Vulnerability?
Exposing your vulnerability is scary, especially if you are used to relating with men from a mental and/or physical place (your conversation or your sex). To help with this I offer the forcefield technique to aid women in feeling more comfortable getting out of their heads and into their hearts.
Imagine you have a forcefield around you every time you relate with men. Inside the forcefield walls, you are safe to feel whatever you want and speak these feelings without worrying whether you will be judged. You are emotionally FREE within your forcefield. You can relax into your feelings, take time to take inventory of your feelings and expose your feelings without worry of being attacked for having them.
To help feel safe within an imaginary forcefield, make sure you can feel the impenetrability of your forcefield’s walls. Are they made up of powerful, atom-blasting energy, like a forcefield in a SCIFI movie? Are they a ring of fire, singeing every male rejection that dares to touch its flame? Is the forcefield wall made of the wallpaper from your room as a child where you always felt safe to go. I worked with one woman who imagined she was inside her favorite teddy bear from childhood. Don’t judge your choice (or the idea of the forcefield), just allow your mind to get creative about finding a way to make you feel COMFORTABLE & SAFE within your personal space.
Most people who have a hard time expressing vulnerability have been shamed in some way in the past when they once shared their feelings. Probably as a child, someone (a parent, sibling, peer, teacher) repeatedly shamed (or ignored) them, and now they have a hard time exposing their true emotions (or even knowing what they are).
A forcefield helps you tackle this IRRATIONAL fear that many of us have– this fear that something harmful will happen to us if we share our feelings. A lot of women have a hard time sharing feelings with men, feeling that the man is going to violate their openness in some way. It’s a very scary feeling that isn’t understood as much as it is felt deep down. A forcefield allows you to trust enough to allow your deep fears to subside enough for vulnerability to surface inside you and come out.
Next time you are with a man, remind yourself that you are safe inside your forcefield walls and that you can: melt into a man’s touch, let your eyes linger on his when he speaks to you, giggle at his teasing, cry at his wounding words, etc.
Exposing your vulnerability fully to a man may even make you feel so nervous, you’ll shake. Let yourself tremble. It’s okay to expose your nerves around a man. It’s normal for a lot of women to cry at the gentle, caring touch of a man, especially if she has never allowed herself to melt into his touch. Let him see, feel, hear (experience FULLY) YOUR emotional experience. It will make him feel honored to know you so well. It will melt his heart for you.
Even your anger can melt his heart and make him love you more. Without directing your anger at him, express it fully. You can scream, yell, cry, fall to your knees. You can look at him and say “I am so angry right now.” Just don’t push him away with your anger by walling yourself off. If he comes toward you, let him comfort you in a heated moment. Don’t turn her back on him or stiffen up, let him make good on his mistake (or comfort you for pain someone else has caused you). Show him that he doesn’t have to fear your expressions of hostility– that he is safe around you even when you are upset. This will make him very attracted to you.
Knowing how to attract a man using your vulnerability makes you a master at building human connection. We can’t expect someone to love us, if we do not let them in. Sometimes it’s hard to let a man in even when we want to. Some of us are victims of a cold, harsh society and have shutdown emotionally. Do you feel NOTHING (numb, cloudy-headed) when a man tries to emotionally connect through intimate touches and words? If so, you can change this. If you continue to work on feeling safe within these intimate moments (staying present in your thoughts and even sharing with him that you have intimacy issues), you will slowly melt this coldness in your heart and will start to feel real tenderness in your soul. This tenderness is a male aphrodisiac!
I am an event planner who loves weddings. There’s no doubt about it. I truly enjoy working with couples as they are about to embark on a glorious right of passage: a wedding day. For us in the wedding industry, the period between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day is considered “engagement season”. Millions of couples make the verbal and symbolic pledge to marry. After the start of the New Year, we get many new inquiries from newly engaged couples who want our help to plan their dream wedding. The details excite us. The more a couple wants for their wedding, the more fun it is for us to help them organize and plan. We often tell couples to hire a planner because they should ENJOY the engagement period. Anyone who’s done it themselves can tell you that planning a wedding is a serious and likely stressful undertaking. I can say jokingly (and partly serious) that planning a wedding is a perfect opportunity to really get to know another side of your betrothed.
I am in the business of beautiful. I am in the business of fun. I am someone who helps people celebrate in the biggest way possible. But on the other side of a certain celebration called a ‘wedding’, is a marriage.
We, in the biz, don’t often talk about the marriage part. We are in the couples’ lives for a short time. We merely help plan, and then move on to the wedding day. We give advice throughout the planning process. We often help mitigate a family disagreement or even one between the couple. We often tell the couple on the wedding day to “really take it all in, because the day will quickly pass” (this is very true). However, we rarely ever give advice on the most important outcome of a wedding- the marriage. And why should we? We’re certainly not counselors (although we often joke it’s an unspoken part of our job). Let me tell you though, we’ve seen A LOT.
In five years of planning weddings, as part of the planning process, I’ve always asked couples the question, “To you, what is the most important part of the wedding day?” Only once have I heard “The ceremony- the vows”. It seems obvious doesn’t it? That a wedding takes place essentially to share the wedding ceremony with your loved ones? It seems that rarely, the actual commitment is as important as the party. Now, I’m not knocking the party (that’s one of the best parts), but it’s so easy to get lost in the planning process.
Gary Chapman, author of the famous relationship book, “The Five Love Languages” says in his book “Things I wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”:
“The decision to get married will impact one’s life more deeply than almost any decision in life. Yet people continue to rush into marriage with little or no preparation for making a marriage successful. In fact, may couples give far more attention to making plans for the wedding than making plans for the marriage. The wedding festivities last only a few hours while the marriage, we hope, will last for a lifetime.”
I married a man whom I’ve believed to be my soul mate since we first met as teens. Although we didn’t stay together consecutively until the time we got engaged, I knew that eventually we’d marry. It was a given. We had THAT love story. Many of my friends tell me our romance was like a tale in a movie. People would ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ as I told them our engagement story when we were planning our wedding. Our parents were overjoyed that we finally made a solid commitment to one another. However, during our courtship and engagement, not one person sat us down and told us, “Marriage will be hard. Really hard”. Everyone is so caught up in the whirlwind of romance and planning that no one wants to burst bubbles or bring up what they may consider negative advice. But life isn’t a fairy tale and I think we need to hear it. We need to know that every marriage goes through trials and tribulations. That one day, we may feel over the moon in love and other days, we may want to run the opposite direction. Life isn’t a romantic comedy and yes, my friends, marriage IS hard. It is a commitment in and of itself. I truly believe building a life and family with someone is a wondrous and beautiful undertaking AND it’s a lot of work. Even though I adore my (loyal, amazing and caring) husband, there are times I want to wring his neck (figuratively, of course and I’m almost positive it goes both ways).
In the same way that I work on my business and my life goals, I work on my marriage. My husband and I continuously talk about relationship and family goals and at the same time, give each other space when we need it. Real life tends to get in the way of the romantic visions we have for our marriage- chores, sickness, bills, you name it! My girl friends and I talk about this stuff all the time. No matter how in love, a successful marriage happens when you devote effort and time into making it what you want. And boy, are we trying!
For all the couples that have just gotten and are about to be engaged, choose someone you can have a wonderful friendship with and who is a good partner. Throughout life, you two will have important decisions to make. You will seek out and heed one another’s advice. You will have disagreements. And if you’ve chosen the right person, you will have love. Call me a sap, but I do believe that’s the most important thing.
By all means, plan the wedding of a lifetime and promise yourself it will only happen once. However, remember the wedding is only the beginning. Don’t get so bogged down in planning a wedding that you forget about the marriage.
I want to offer my most sincere congratulations to all the couples who are recently and about to be engaged and to all of our amazing couples who in 2012 embarked on the journey. May your marriage be joyful!
Over the years of being a relationship coach I have come to realise that a happy and successful relationship boils down to one simple thing. In this article I am going to explain what that is so you can not only solve any relationship problems you have, but can re-live the experience of falling in love again and again!
I often use the experience of falling in love to explain how relationships work. Think back to the last time you fell in love or experienced intense feelings of love for your partner or for anyone or anything else for that matter. As you remember that experience notice that something was absent from the relationship at that moment. That something was judgment. You fell in love (or re-discovered love) when you removed judgment from your partner (or, putting it the other way round, you totally accepted them).
To understand why this is you will need to remember that love is not an emotion – it is a permanent state that exists between you and your partner. Love is always present, even when you are not feeling it! When you were first attracted to your partner you stopped judging them – their looks and their behaviour. Instead you saw all their beauty and gifts and over-looked anything that seemed negative about them. This is the non-judgment bit. They would have sensed that you weren’t judging them and would have bathed in your acceptance of them. This would make them feel great and they would have started liking you because they felt good in your presence. They then stopped judging you and the process of falling in love became a self-reinforcing positive cycle as each of you accepted each other more and more. The removal of judgment allowed you both to feel innocent and perfect and that is when your hearts opened and love showed up. Of course this dynamic of non-judgment happened simultaneously as the two of you fell head over-heals in love!
So far, so good. The next question then is why you might fall out of love again. Well the answer is again judgement. As time goes by you begin to notice little annoying habits and things about your partner that you would like to change. You have already started judging them – they no longer seem so perfect. And they feel this immediately. Feeling judged reminds them of how much they dislike and judge themselves and this makes them feel insecure. Rather than feel into this pain they project it onto you and start judging your behaviour (if they haven’t already started doing so!). You then feel judged and the cycle spirals downwards towards the power struggle – a stage that nearly every relationship goes through. The bottom line is that you have fallen out of love and those heady early days of the relationship seem a distant memory.
Naturally you want to get back to those feelings, so here are some suggestions about how to do this. The key is to STOP JUDGING your partner. You can do this in the short term by appreciating them rather than wanting to find fault with them or change them. Notice all the wonderful things about them that you love and let them know. Pour your love onto them at every opportunity without becoming needy. If you can genuinely do this from the heart, you will fall back in love because you have brought non-judgment back to the relationship. This will work, but you may notice that you slip back very easily into judgment. This is because you probably judge yourself both consciously and subconsciously. This means that you are continually projecting this out onto the people around you, including your partner. You will not notice you are doing this, but it will be picked up by your partner and they will then be tempted to judge you!
The way forward is to let go of the self-judgment. This requires changing the beliefs you have about yourself, particularly any guilt and feelings of failure you have stored away in your life. For more help with this have a look at my website or read my book which contains a detailed description of how self-judgment develops and how to work to change those negative beliefs and bring back the love.
As you heal self-judgment you will start accepting your life and everything in it. You will automatically reveal the love that has always been available to you and which you have caught glimpses of as you fell in love or slipped back into love at various times in your life. You can extend these periods of happiness indefinitely, simply by ending judgment. The unavoidable truth is that judgment hides love. Acceptance reveals it again. If only we could remember this and apply it to ourselves and our relationships, then our problems would cease and life would become blissful.
This is a follow-on story from the original “Three Stages of Life”.
In Stage One, in the Womb, there are Parts of the Physical body that are present but not fully developed. The Arms and Legs are obvious as some that are just seen as potential in the Womb and then fully developed after the Physical Birth.
It is the same while we are in the Second stage.
Before we take the voluntary steps that lead to our Spiritual Birth, we do have some potential that will only be developed further after our Spiritual Birth.
As an example we do have the ability to Pray and to read the Bible!
These are developed further as we grow spiritually.
Before our new Spiritual Birth these seem dry and boring, while after they become fruitful and exciting.
Also as we utilise these, we then become aware of other newly available abilities that need developing.
While we are looking at this development as a preparation for Stage Three, this whole development process also makes us better people while we are here on Earth. As we develop we become more like Jesus and are better able to fulfil the tasks He has for us here.
As we Pray we will notice the Holy Spirit talking to us and inviting us to trust Him further into a more mature spiritual walk. These are usually personal areas of change that lead us into Maturity.
Growth in this area is often seen as a development of our Character to become more like Jesus.
As we see answers to Prayer, we have an increase in Faith, but this is soon seen to need to be developed to show other characteristics that portray moral excellence.
Then as we grow in our knowledge of God we develop a greater degree of self-control.
This in turn leads to patient endurance and a devotional fear of God and Love towards His Family and to all our fellow mankind.
These can be seen in 2 Peter 1:5-11.
As we read the Bible we also notice areas of out lives that require further development. These are to be seen in all our New Family and as they are developed will show more and more Family traits.
In fact if these are not seen one could doubt if one has fully made the correct decisions for the New Birth to take place!
As we read about these it will be more obvious.
Take for instance the “Fruit of the Spirit”. As we allow the Spiritual New growth to develop in our lives these Fruit will become more obvious. The first is a self-sacrificing Love, then an inner Joyfulness and a Peace as an inner quietness and trust in God. Then Patience towards all types of irritants, Kind giving towards others in need and a Good attitude towards all evil resulting in a positive response. A reliable trustworthy Faithfulness, a humble Gentleness instead of anger and Self-control over all types of human desires.
Also if we show no signs of these Spiritual Fruit, it shows we do not allow the new Spiritual life develop in our lives.
The Gifts of the Spirit or symbols of spiritual power that the Holy Spirit gives to us are only formed to a small degree during our Second Stage here on Earth. Some even doubt their usefulness. However I am sure these will be developed to a greater extent in Heaven.
They are the ability to give wise advice, have special extraordinary knowledge and an unusual measure of faith in the Holy Spirit’s power. There is a gift of physical healing and an extraordinary power to perform miracles. Then the verbal gifts of the Spirit with ability to give prophetic messages, the ability to discern between messages from the Holy Spirit and those that are not. Then there is the ability to speak in an unknown language and the ability to interpret what has been said.
All believers are given at least one gift to be used in the helping of others but the Greatest Gift is Love! A Love that is willing to give sacrificially and to suffer, willing to show acts of charity and self-sacrifice. A Love that is patient, bearing with certain annoyances or inconveniences without complaint. A Love that is Kind is gentle and mild and always ready to show compassion. A Love that is not jealous, working willingly with others who have differing gifts. A Love that is not boastful or proud, not showing any superiority. A Love that is not rude but polite, courteous. A Love that does not demand its own way but looks out for others and seeks the best interests of others. A Love that is not irritable, easily angered or touchy. A Love that keeps no record of wrongs, making allowances for others differences and willingly forgets wrongs done to them. A Love that is never glad about injustices but rejoices when the truth wins, never tainted by evil but seeking truth, desiring truth, protecting truth and proclaiming the truth. A Love that never gives up but willingly protects others. A Love that never loses faith and gives the benefit of doubt so people are free to be honest and open. A Love that is always hopeful, knowing God is working at different levels in the lives of others. A Love that endures through every circumstance not stopped by hardship or pain. A Love that lasts forever!
Not many will develop many of the above but I believe that many of these areas will be brought to their full development when we pass into our Third Stage of our Life in Heaven.
Moving to a Western country is likely to make you a minority. Your quest on how to find love, especially with someone of the same race, will be made much more challenging obviously because you are in a foreign land. You may want to start accepting a few facts of life when you are on a “find me a girl” or “find me a man” mode in a country not your own. Acceptance puts you in a frame of mind that will open you to possibilities you may not have considered before.
Successfully move into the dating scene in a Western country by starting to accept the following:
- The inevitability of dating (and falling for) somebody not of the same skin color. The law of attraction for love may work itself upon parties that may not necessarily share a lot of common ground;
- The new cultural reality you will have to adjust with anyway, dating or not. Understanding the cultural values of your new home will make you better accept future dates whose values may altogether clash with yours. You will be in a better position to get into the process of how to find love when you are open to welcome people of different backgrounds into your life;
- The likelihood of criticisms from conservatives. The West has its fair share of men and women who have not moved past the 20th century. Love spans cross-cultural relationships, which are going to be the new standard as we live in a progressively global community. The rate of change, however, is not the same for all people. There will always be individuals not as adaptive as you are when it comes to cross- cultural relationships, even though the truth is already in their face;
- The downside to dating somebody with an entirely different set of world view, philosophies, and established values. Many cross-cultural relationships fail to make progress because parties may not be willing to compromise; to give up something of a lower order to achieve another of a higher order. Among people of the same heritage, a certain degree of compromise is still important for the relationship to confer mutual benefits. This is all the more critical when dating somebody who brings a different cultural frame of reference in a relationship;
- The prevalent dating practices and norms in your new home country. As they say, when in Rome, do as the Romans do. The same truth rings loud and clear in today’s dating scene, so wherever you find yourself, leave all your dating preconceptions at the door. The answer to “how to find me a girl” or “how to find me a man” starts with an open mind; for all you know, it will blindside you one lazy afternoon when all your guards are down.
The process of how to find love in a new environment indeed entails a willingness to discount prejudice and a readiness to embrace (drastic) changes. This does not mean, however, giving up who you are, which was largely shaped by where you came from. Date according to your comfort level. Know your boundaries, and enforce them. Understand what you can only work with at this point, because that will slowly prepare you to what you can work with at a later time. You still would want to be comfortable in your own skin, even as you “change your color” to adapt.
With birthday ecards, you do not have to worry about singing the same old birthday song. There is a wide variety of songs that you can select. The music cannot be compared to that played by musical birthday cards; this is digital music tat will have the recipient dancing once the card is received. The music varies from ballads, to rock, country, or techno. It would be a good idea to find out what kind of music the celebrant loves, so you can make a choice that he or she will cherish.
Although traditional birthday cards come with some humorous imagery, you cannot compare them to the animated characters that are put on birthday ecards. Depending on the recipients age, you can select from simple animations, to interesting dancing characters. The animations are set to play on a loop, so the card can go on delivering joy, for as long as the celebrant wants. Age should not stop you from sending a dancing animated character to your grandfather; you may have him dancing like he used to do in his younger years.
The sound of laughter during a birthday celebration is music to the ears. You want to know that the message that you send will not only have a sentimental value, but also plenty of humor. You can get funny birthday ecards that will elicit anything from a faint chuckle, to an all-out guffaw, from the celebrant. The character may be a TV cartoon that your young children will love, or a wildly naughty character, that you can send to adult celebrants. Whichever card you choose, you can be sure that the gesture will be appreciated.
These are some of the reasons why birthday ecards have become so popular, so the next time you want to send a birthday card, forget going to the mall, and get to an online birthday ecard site and send a memorable birthday wish.
The Russian people have a long history of learning the English language. However, in recent years the purpose of the language use has changed. During Soviet times the most important thing was to know how to read and understand how the grammar works – just for the sake of knowing a foreign language. When the era of worldwide traveling, international marriages and the internet started, English became more than another useless subject in school.
Russian parents understanding the importance of speaking English send their little ones (as young as 3 years of age) to English classes. Hopefully, this new generation will be fluent in English. However, Russian ladies for marriage these days still encounter some language problems. I asked a friend of mine who’s been living in the United States for quite a while to tell me what the common mistakes are that ladies from Russia make when speaking English.
She told me that there are different areas of language in which Russian ladies tend to make mistakes. Enemy number one is pronunciation. She said that she can tell if a person is from Russia by a specific “Russian” pronunciation – the habit of speaking English with Russian sounds, distinct and harsh.
The other mistake that is very common among Russian brides is transferring grammar rules or common expressions into English. The English word “normal” means almost the same as in the Russian language with a slight difference that implies “it could be better” in certain situations. Some examples are when you answer how things are with you or how the picture turned out. It is quite common to say that things are normal in Russia meaning that everything’s great. In English the meaning is slightly different. In the same vein, brides from Russia literally translate some of the most popular expressions and proverbs.
Thus, my friend often heard the wrong usage of “come to your senses” as “come to yourself”, which is just a word by word translation. Though some of these expressions just cause slight misunderstanding, which does not interfere with communication especially when people around you know that you are a foreigner, there are some expressions that can make you a laughing stock. You should tell your Russian bride that it is very wrong, to say “I feel myself bad/good”, when she just wants to say that she is fine.
Another mistake that ladies for marriage make in the United States is using British English instead of American English. It is self-explanatory – schools in Russia consider British English to be the real English. However, when you are in the New World using “porridge” instead of “oatmeal”, will most certainly result in having something else for breakfast.
Though knowing vocabulary, pronunciation and popular expressions are very important, ladies coming to a foreign country should pay even more attention to cultural aspects. The period of blending-in can take quite a while, but knowing some of them can get you there a lot faster.
My friend shared her own story about how she made a crucial mistake when going to restaurants: “I had a limited vocabulary and tried to use only basic words, because I was afraid that I would not be understood. Every time I went to a restaurant and the waitress asked me how my food tasted, I would reply that it was OK. I could never understand why they all tried to ask me if they could replace it or what was wrong with it. I would again say that it’s OK. Later I learned that you have to be more expressive in these situations. You should say that the food is good, great, fabulous or fantastic with a very cheerful tone in your voice. Mentality differences, what can I say?!”
In other words, dear men who wish to marry a bride from Russia – get ready to help her with some slight language problems. Good luck in your linguistic discoveries.
Looking beautiful and having brighter skin is not really much of a hassle nowadays. You can look pretty without having to take trips to the saloon or the skin clinic on a regular basis, just wash your face and moisturize. Always make a point to drink lots and lots of water and take vitamins, as one of your survival tactics, which can help you going. Always try your best to be happy by making time to do things you love. Being active in your organizations and staging performances make you feel great.
During times when you’re really busy or stressed, having a positive outlook and being at peace make things brighter. Apart from eating well, getting enough sleep, and saying no to drugs, you should also follow the four step regimen in taking care of your skin – cleanse, tone, correct, and moisturize.
Some routine in making their skin look bright are pretty simple. They basically just wash their face and moisturize in the morning, evening and in between.
You can brighten your day by utilizing survival techniques you know, such as making real conversations with your friends or by calling them up on the phone or by hanging out in the mall. Helping others with their school work, personal problems, org work and the like can also make you happy. Indulging in food, so small cheap thrills work: chocolate, coke, potato chips, ice cream, sweets, and coffee to name a few, can also lift your spirits and make your day brighter.
Nothing beats going out with your friends in the malls, the movies, or even anywhere for hours, for relaxation and fun. Talking and hanging out is the best thing in order to distress. Just being with people you love makes any day a whole lot brighter. Sleeping habit is something you should never give up for anything – even for work. This is the best way to take care of your self. You will always feel good the next day after a good night sleep, your body functions well and your skin looks great – all because you have enough sleep.
You can also brighten your day even with those simple things like watching television or listening to some romantic music. Survival tips helps too, and perhaps one of most important though is to know your priorities and keeping things in order. When your mind is at peace, you radiate the feeling, and this will always brighten your day.
You can also brighten your day even with those simple things like watching television or listening to some romantic music. Survival tips helps too, and perhaps one of most important though is to know your priorities and keeping things in order. When your mind is at peace, you radiate the feeling, and this will always brighten your day.
You’ve been dating him for what seems like an eternity. You know he’s the man of your dreams, and you are the woman of his. So, what’s taking him so long to pop the question?
While you are confident he wants to marry you, you may never know what is going on inside his head. Perhaps he’s still trying to pick out the perfect princess cut engagement ring. Maybe he’s waiting until he can use his vacation days to ask your father’s permission in person. Or perhaps he just hasn’t decided he’s ready for such as big commitment yet.
You can’t control what he’s thinking about or what he does, but you can control how you cope with it. You may want that wedding ring on your finger right now, but, trust us, you don’t want to be the girl who makes a big deal about it, cries about how long it’s taking him to ask you, or whines to her friends about how anxious you are.
The following are a few tips to help you properly cope with the fact that he hasn’t proposed yet.
How to Cope When He Doesn’t Propose
- Take Care When Talking to Your Friends- There’s going to come a time when your friends bring up the topic of engagements and marriage, and the way you react to those questions will determine how stressful the discussion is for you. Instead of saying “I don’t know what’s taking him so long. I feel like he’ll never ask”, redirect the question or act indifferent, by saying something like, “He’ll propose when he’s ready and the time is right.” This is especially important if your friends ask while your man is present. He may feel like he’s on the spot and pressured for an answer. If you react indifferently, he will feel much more relaxed about the situation.
- Don’t Bug Him- Nagging him about when he’s going to propose is only going to create stress, and the more stress you put him through, the more confused or angry he is going to feel. You might just talk him out of proposing completely with your nagging. Instead, give him some space and let him think. This will create a stress-free atmosphere you can both live in harmoniously.
- Don’t Start Planning the Wedding- What little girl doesn’t want to get a sneak preview of what her wedding is going to look like? While you think you will feel better about your man not proposing yet making future plans, trying on dresses, and talking to vendors, you might actually make yourself depressed. After all, all of the vendors, consultants, and boutiques are going to ask you two questions you just can’t answer: where’s your ring and when’s the date?
- Live for Now- You know he loves you and is going to present you with engagement rings and ask you to spend the rest of your life with him eventually, so why stress? Live for the moment. If your relationship needs sparks, don’t obsess about a proposal; try something new together. Take a class, go on a picnic, or learn a new skill together.
If you are struggling with the fact that your man hasn’t popped the question yet, don’t obsess about it. Use these tips to keep your stress level down and enjoy the dating life you have now, so you can truly enjoy your engagement later on.
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Last weekend I met a woman who shared a secret with me. This woman was a Doctor. An accomplished professional. She had it all, including a wonderful husband, supportive family, and friends. We were talking about her claustrophobia when she unloaded the thing she’s been carrying in silence for more than thirty years. She was molested as a child. Small spaces sent her spiraling and it was having a serious impact on her life.
As she was sharing her story, I could tell she was filled with shame. This shame had been following her for a very long time. She felt very alone and had felt that way for more than thirty years. In her aloneness she believed she was the only one who felt the way she did about herself. It shocked me because she’s a Doctor. A doctor who treats women.
Here’s the thing. A lot of women and men for that matter have experienced the devastating effects of abuse or assault. When I say a lot, I am going to up the ante here and say most. That’s right. It’s an unfortunate reality, but it’s true. Sexual abuse or sexual assault is much more commonplace than anyone wants to think. No one wants to think it and NO ONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT.
However, what if we did? What if we pulled out those deep dark secrets and put them out in the light? What if you knew that the woman sitting next to you at church had experienced something similar to your deepest trauma? What if you were to find out your own mother or sister had been abused? What if you found out your Doctor was uncomfortable in the small exam room because she’s been molested in a small room as a child? Would it help to know you aren’t alone? Would it lighten the load of shame?
I’ll start. I was sexually assaulted on a date when I was 25. I didn’t report. I told no one for years. I lied to my friends and said I’d had a good time on a first date. I repressed the memory of that event with all my might. I went into hibernation, I got depressed, and I got sick. Then I got help and you know what? I got over it. There, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
In many years of my practice talking to women, I have come to understand that I am not alone. I wish it was a rare experience. It’s not. Understanding that helped me to be able to begin to distance myself from that trauma without the weight of shame holding me back. I began to be able to do something that some might find wrong or inflammatory. I began to normalize the unthinkable.
I am not saying that sexual violence should be commonplace by any stretch of the imagination. It’s horrible on every level. What I am saying though, is unfortunately it’s much more commonplace than we think. The statistics on this subject back that up. According to Childhelp.org, in 2009 there were reports or allegations of sexual assault or abuse against children in the US alone that involved more than 6 million children. Six Million. One year. According to Rainn.org, every two minutes someone in the US is sexually assaulted.
Are you shocked by those numbers? Don’t be. I think they are low. I think those numbers are a culmination of experiences that are touching your life, through people you know and love, and quite possibly you. Those numbers prove you are not alone and have nothing to hide.